My Embarrassing Un-Secret

It’s not the fact that I fall asleep at my desk that I hate so much as the fact that I get caught. I get caught everyday and it could not be more embarrassing. Sometimes I get caught because I start snoring and it is sort of an unspoken pact between me and the lady in the cube next to me that if I start to snore she should wake me up. Otherwise she lets me sleep. It is so embarrassing.

Sometimes, when I have fallen asleep without my realizing it, someone will sneak up on me and tap me on the shoulder saying things like, “Are you okay?” I mean, I must be ill, who else sleeps at their desk with seeming disregard for all that is right and appropriate. It is so embarrassing.

Sometimes I will fall asleep and the phone ringing will wakes me up. I am constantly surprised at how alert I sound as I answer it, “Hello, this is Ellie. No, I haven’t been asleep for the last ten minutes. No, that wasn’t me you heard across the office, snorting away.” It is so embarrassing.

Often, I feel myself starting to fall asleep and I try something desperate to keep myself awake, like punching myself in the leg or pinching my arm, or eating tons of chocolate. It works for a few minutes until I get tired of hurting myself, or finish all of the chocolate. And I drift off to sleep with sore arms and legs and a sick stomach. It is so embarrassing.

I am amazed sometimes how long I sleep with no one waking me up. This morning, for example, I glanced at the clock sometime around 11:15am and woke up with a start to see that the computer clock read 11:55am. How could I have slept for 40 minutes with no interruption? What if someone saw me but didn’t wake me up? What if the whole office came over to stare at me and laugh under their breath as I slept soundly on through the morning? It is so embarrassing.

I know there is only one way to solve this problem and that is to cure my apnea. It needs to either go away (I have to lose 30 pounds) or I have to treat it (CPAP machine). I am having trouble with both solutions and most people don’t seem to understand this. “Just try harder” people tell me. Try harder. Try harder. Try harder. But it is not that easy. Or maybe it is, but I haven’t figure out how to yet. It is so embarrassing.

I just want to live a normal life again. It has been more than two years since I have not fallen asleep at my desk at least once a day and I am tired of it. It is embarrassing, unproductive and stupid. If something doesn’t change I might have to get a new job where I would have to stand up all day. At least then as I fell asleep, I would start to fall and then I would wake up. It’s better than drooling on myself here in this cube. How embarrassing.